Vol. 67: Protest at Penn: The untold story

Gaza? Hamas? Antisemitism? No problem.

         Demonstrations protesting Israel’s invasion of Gaza have roiled more than 40 U.S. college campuses this month. At my alma mater, the University of Pennsylvania, a coalition of students, faculty, staff, and outsiders calling themselves the “Gaza Solidarity Encampment” have erected some three dozen tents on College Hall Green since last Thursday. Because Penn currently lacks a permanent president, Penn’s trustees appointed me temporary interim president to deal with this crisis. My remarks to the assembled protesters, necessarily cobbled together in haste due to the exigencies of the moment, were recorded and transcribed. I’m providing the unedited transcript here in the hope that it may serve as a useful model for other besieged university presidents. — D.R.

         All right, maggots. Pipe down and listen up if you know what’s good for you.

         Let’s make one thing clear: I’m the temporary interim president of this university, and you’re nothing, see? With one snap of my fingers, I can send you all to the Gulag. Your soul may belong to God, but your ass belongs to me. Remember that, and we’ll get along just fine.

         On second thought, scratch that.

A university’s basic purpose

         Hello, everybody. My name is Dan Rottenberg, and as temporary interim president of the University of Pennsylvania, I want to extend a warm welcome to you and all protesters who have occupied our campus, preventing students and faculty from attending classes. And I mean that sincerely. Universities are devoted above all to the quest for knowledge, and often that quest occurs best not in classrooms but in real-world encounters with real-world issues. The peaceful resolution of conflicting ideas is what democracies are all about, and a college campus is ideally the best “safe space” to resolve our differences through dialogue, chanting, erecting tents that lack toilets or showers, and blocking thoroughfares so passersby are forced to pay attention to you.

         So, whether you are….  

Just a minute. Who’s doing that snoring? Guards! Seize him! Teach this sniveling fool what becomes of those who disrespect the temporary interim president of the University of Pennsylvania!

         Sorry. Guess I got carried away. Where was I? Oh, yes.

God’s divine plan

         Whether you are pro-Palestinian, pro-Zionist, anti-Semitic, uncle-Semitic, or just badly in need of anger management therapy, let me assure you that you have come to the right place. Here at Penn, we recognize that we’re all fallible humans engaged in a search for truth, and that search requires listening to each other in a tolerant atmosphere of mutual respect and appreciation of our common humanity. You may be a Jew, a Muslim, a Buddhist, or even a Confucian, but I’m sure there’s no one among you who doesn’t agree that good things happen when Christ enters a student’s heart.

         Hold on. I’ve got the wrong speech here. Where are my notes?

         Right now, you Palestinians and Zionists may be at loggerheads over Israel’s military tactics and Hamas’s brutality. I understand that. But at the end of the day, we’re all loyal sons and daughters of the Red and Blue. Today you Jews and Muslims may see each other as adversaries, but next month you could be joining hands with your Catholic classmates in some other common purpose, like beating up Protestants. And the following month, you may find yourselves reminding narrow-minded bigots that even Protestants serve a useful purpose in God’s divine plan. After all, somebody has to pay retail.

         So just because you and I may disagree about politics or religion, is that any reason to behave disagreeably? Just because the synapses in your brain haven’t yet grown together to enable you to understand the relationship between actions and consequences, is that any reason for me to hate your fucking guts? Just because you’re an ignoramus, is that any reason for me to bind your hands and feet and slowly dangle you from a helicopter into a swamp filled with hungry alligators? Who would even think of such a thing?

         In troubled times like these, I’m reminded of the unforgettable words of our university’s founder, Benjamin Franklin, which have slipped my mind for the moment. But that’s just as well since he wasn’t really our founder anyway.

Next year in Jerusalem

         Most important, I have exciting news to share with you. But I’m saving it for last, to make sure you hang around to listen to my generic platitudes.

         Before we get there, I’d like to see a show of hands: How many of you are enrolled as students at Penn? OK, thanks. These next words are directed to both of you:

         I understand why you feel downhearted, if not humiliated. Penn’s basketball team finished seventh in the Ivy League this year. The football team lost four heartbreakingly close games to Dartmouth, Brown, Harvard, and Princeton. But hey, it’s only a game. People are dying in Gaza and Ukraine. So why don’t you stop kvetching and get a life?

         As for the rest of you— what are you doing here? Don’t you have jobs? And when I say “here,” I don’t mean Penn or Philadelphia. I mean the U.S.A. If you’re so eager to create a Palestinian homeland where Muslims will at last be free to murder each other over whether Islam should be led by Muhammad’s descendants or his best friend’s descendants, what’s keeping you on this side of the Atlantic? And for those Zionists chanting, “Next year in Jerusalem,” why not go there now, when you can support Bibi Netanyahu’s unique vision of a Jewish “light unto the nations”— namely, mass deportation of Palestinians from Gaza?

Billionaire donors to the rescue

         Now for the good news. As you may know, Penn’s Wharton School alumni community abounds in billionaires who possess more wealth than they know what to do with. You and I may dismiss them as money-grubbing hustlers, but beneath the surface these wheeler-dealers harbor strongly held views about education, even though they hold no educational credentials whatsoever. At my urging, they’ve put their avaricious heads together and have come up with a solution befitting both their brains and their bucks. Specifically, they have purchased the state of New Jersey for conversion to a Palestinian homeland.

         It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved. You Palestinians won’t have to pretend any more that you’re dying to return to the Arabian desert. You’ll have your own homeland without needing to push anyone into the sea (except maybe for a few New Jerseyans who’d rather move to Florida anyway). Instead of spending your days sneaking through the alleys of Ramallah, Hebron, and Jericho, you can stroll the elegant boulevards of sophisticated cities like Newark, Paterson, Jersey City, Elizabeth, Trenton, Camden…. The list is endless. Before you can chant “From the Delaware River to the Atlantic sea,” you’ll be happily exploring New Jersey’s bustling traffic circles, colorful strip malls, and endless parking lots. You can build your own McMansion on your own cul-de-sac. You can taste the eclectic cuisine of the Turnpike’s Molly Pitcher rest stop to your heart’s content. You can spend quiet Sunday mornings alone in a fishing dinghy, casting your line into the scenic Hackensack River as it wends its way through those purple mountain majesties, the surreal garbage hills of the Meadowlands. And in New Jersey, you’ll find everything you need within a two hours’ drive, just like in Palestine.

         Do our Penn donors think outside the box, or what?

A free trip, to boot

         Wait— there’s more good news. You know the “Birthright Israel” program that provides free ten-day summer indoctrination trips to Israel for Jewish college students and young adults? Well, I’ve persuaded these same Wharton billionaire donors to expand the program to include folks of all ages— and not just Jews, but Palestinians as well. The package includes free lectures about “moral clarity” delivered by our donors, who are experts on this subject even though they never took a course in philosophy or theology. Your tour guide will be the distinguished Penn law professor Amy Wax, who has plenty of free time these days, now that Penn has muzzled her for expressing her loopy views about Blacks, Asians, and Indians. She’ll be assisted by the illustrious Congresswoman Elise Stefanik, who has emerged as America’s leading authority on the harassment of university presidents, despite her own lack of academic experience. (Did I mention the inspiring role she has played in reminding Americans that Harvard graduates can be as boorish as everybody else?) For your comfort on the plane flying over and returning, we’ll also throw in a free pillow, compliments of Mike Lindell, the My Pillow Guy and celebrated election denier.

         You won’t want to miss this life-changing experience. But hurry! Your plane leaves in an hour.

         No need to fold your tents as you depart. It’s the least we Penn administrators can do for the cause of free academic inquiry.

Enjoy Dan Rottenberg’s new memoir, The Education of a Journalist: My Seventy Years on the Frontiers of Free Speech. You can also visit his website at www.danrottenberg.com