Vol. 99: Good news from Trumpworld

A positive achievement, already

WARNING:
This column was written by an incurable optimist. Proceed at your own risk.

Barely a month after his election, President-Elect Trump has announced his choices for his cabinet and other senior positions. Many of them, like Trump himself, lack experience, wisdom, maturity, humility, or professional qualifications. For example:

—Tulsi Gabbard (director of National Intelligence): Former Congresswoman with no intelligence experience. Has opposed U.S. foreign policies and encouraged dictators like Russia’s Putin and Syria’s Assad.
—Pete Hegseth (secretary of Defense): Co-host of TV’s “Fox & Friends.” No experience in government or the military, aside from two tours as an Army infantryman. Accused of sexual assault and habitual drunkenness.
—Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (Health secretary): No government experience; no medical or public health degree. Anti-vaccine crusader; advocates raw milk; has argued that HIV isn’t the true cause of AIDS.
—Mehmet Oz (Medicare and Medicaid administrator): Celebrity physician with a history of dispensing dubious medical advice on his daytime TV show. During the COVID pandemic, clashed with medical experts by promoting the malaria drugs hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine to ward off the coronavirus.
—Matt Gaetz (attorney general): Four-term Congressman; previously practiced law for one year. Target of a years-long federal sex-trafficking investigation that led to an 11-year prison term for one of his associates. Recently investigated by the House Ethics Committee for alleged sexual misconduct, illicit drug use, improper acceptance of gifts, and obstruction of government investigations. (More on him below.)
—Kash Patel (FBI director): Vocal Trump supporter and FBI critic. Some experience as a public defender and federal prosecutor, but little in law enforcement and management.
—Elise Stefanik (UN ambassador): Congresswoman and vocal Trump supporter with minimal experience in foreign policy and national security.
— Elon Musk (co-head of government efficiency effort): World’s richest person; owner of SpaceX, Tesla, and the social network X. No government experience.
—Vivek Ramaswamy (co-head of government efficiency effort): Entrepreneur and political novice who sought Republican presidential nomination this year, then became a fervent Trump supporter. No government experience.
—Charles Kushner (ambassador to France): Real estate executive, father-in-law of Trump’s daughter Ivanka. Served two years in prison after pleading guilty to tax evasion, retaliating against a federal witness, and lying to the Federal Election Commission. Pardoned by Trump in 2020. No government experience.
—Massad Boulos (senior adviser for Arab and Middle Eastern affairs): Lawyer and businessman; father-in-law of Trump’s daughter Tiffany. No government experience.

Predictable verdicts

Conventional wisdom has already delivered its predictable verdict on this basket of deplorables:
— “Without an iota of doubt the most appalling collection of choices any president has made to lead federal government departments.” (Author/ commentator Paul Waldman on MSNBC.)
— “Donald Trump has demonstrated his lack of fitness for the presidency in countless ways, but one of the clearest is in the company he keeps, surrounding himself with fringe figures, conspiracy theorists, and sycophants who put fealty to him above all else.” (New York Times editorial.)
— “The general vibe on The Hill about Trump’s cabinet picks is basically ‘WTF’.” (NBC News.)

What men need

Well, yes. But Trump wasn’t always this way. For his first term, eight years ago, Trump sought to reassure the Washington establishment by recruiting experienced men and women— the so-called “adults in the room”— to his inner circle. Unfortunately, these grownups grew so exasperated with Trump that they couldn’t keep their frustrations to themselves.

“He’s a threat to democracy as we know it,” said Trump’s former Defense secretary, Mark Esper. “He has nothing but contempt for our democratic institutions, our Constitution, and our rule of law,” said Trump’s former chief of staff, John Kelly. “I don’t think he should be near the Oval Office,” said Trump’s attorney general, Bill Barr. “A fucking moron,” suggested Rex Tillerson, Trump’s first secretary of State. You get the idea.

My therapist once observed that a man needs a woman who looks up to him, and a woman needs a man she can look up to. But a narcissist needs to have everybody looking up to him. So this time around, Trump is stocking his inner circle with beginners and incompetents unlikely to disabuse Trump of the notion that he’s the world’s smartest man. Some of them may actually believe it.

Not since Robespierre

Conventional thinkers fret that these minions will systematically dismantle America’s cherished institutions so Trump can rule without niggling impediments like legislatures, courts, agencies, and independent journalists. But as I’ve suggested before, conventional wisdom is usually wrong.

Barely a week after his election, Trump’s team inadvertently scored a remarkable positive achievement: They removed the obnoxious and obstreperous Matt Gaetz from the federal government. Yes, the same Matt Gaetz who, speaking to the Conservative Political Action Conference last year, called for abolishing or de-funding the Department of Justice, the FBI, and “every last one of them if they do not come to heel.” Never in their wildest dreams did Gaetz targets like House Speaker Mike Johnson or his predecessor, Kevin McCarthy— not to mention Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell, nor legions of Democrats, liberals, and feminists— believe such a pest could be eliminated so quickly.

Here's how it happened. At the very moment that Trump chose Gaetz to run the Department of Justice on November 13, Gaetz was still under investigation by the House Ethics Committee for alleged sex trafficking, having sex with an underage girl, taking illegal drugs, paying women to have sex with him, taking bribes, and misusing campaign funds. Gaetz’s nomination raised the likelihood that the Ethics Committee’s report might be publicly released to the Senate for Gaetz’s confirmation hearing. To avoid such an embarrassment, that very evening Gaetz resigned his House seat, which he expected to relinquish anyway to become attorney general. But when the uproar over Gaetz’s nomination failed to subside, Trump thought better of it and withdrew Gaetz’s nomination by lunchtime the next day.
Suddenly, the Wicked Witch of Washington was a private citizen. Not since 1794, when Robespierre was publicly guillotined just two days after he addressed France’s National Convention, has a terrifying politician fallen so far so fast.
Kinda gives you hope for the future, no?

Musk trims the fat

I don’t doubt that Trump and his cohorts are capable of causing plenty of trouble over the next few years. On the other hand, Matt Gaetz actually did cause plenty of trouble in Congress over the past seven years. And now he’s gone, just like that, mostly thanks to Trump’s overconfidence in his own infallibility.

One lesson: When you hire neophytes to dismantle your hated “deep state,” there’s only so much trouble they can cause. More likely, the deep state and its inevitable complications will eat those greenhorns alive. As well it probably should.

Trump was never one to acknowledge his mistakes or learn such lessons. And his brain is unlikely to grow sharper in the coming years. Watching how all this will play out could be interesting. Maybe even fun.

I personally can’t wait to see how Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, armed with nothing but their certainty that they’re smarter than everyone else, will trim the fat from the federal budget. Once Trump realizes that they think they’re smarter than he is, I suspect, they’ll be among the first trimmed.

‘Trump with a brain’

As I write this, Trump is said to be harboring second thoughts about another dubious nominee, Pete Hegseth— not because Hegseth is unqualified, but because reports of his heavy drinking and raucous sexual behavior make Trump look bad. Trump is now said to prefer Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis for the Pentagon job— a decision that could cause problems for Trump and DeSantis alike. DeSantis— AKA “Trump with a brain”—may soon be forced to decide whether to give up his Florida power base for a subservient role in Washington that will inevitably end badly when he outshines the boss.

Surely you know the joke about the world’s smartest man. But just in case you don’t….

Four men on a plane

Four passengers are on a plane: the president of the United States, the Pope, the world’s smartest man, and a hippie. The captain emerges from the cockpit to inform them that the gas tank is leaking, the plane will crash in 15 minutes, and only three parachutes are available.

“You’re all adults,” the captain tells them, tossing the parachutes into the aisle. “I’ll let you decide among yourselves who best deserves to survive.”

Immediately, the president jumps up, grabs a parachute and attaches it, declaring, “I’m the president of the United States! The world needs my leadership!” And he jumps out the window.

Next, the world’s smartest man grabs a parachute, saying, “I’m the world’s smartest man! The world needs my brain to solve its problems.” And he too leaps out a window.

Now the Pope turns to the hippie, asking: “Why don’t you take the last parachute, son? I’m old, you’re young, and the Church will continue without me.”

“That’s all right, your Holiness,” the hippie replies. “There are still two parachutes left, so we can both jump.”

“How is that possible?” the Pope asks.

“Well, you see,” the hippie replies, “the world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

The inclusion of a hippie in this foursome suggests to me that this joke probably originated in the ’60s or ’70s. Who would have imagined, back then, that one day the world’s smartest man would also be president of the U.S.?

Enjoy Dan Rottenberg’s newest book, The Price We Paid: An Oral History of Penn’s Struggle to Join the Ivy League, 1950-55. You can also visit his website at www.danrottenberg.com