Vol. 83: Exclusive: My interview with God

Move over, Elon Musk

         Author’s note: Last week, Elon Musk scored an exclusive 90-minute interview with Donald Trump. Last month, Caroline Wanga of Essence scored an exclusive interview with Kamala Harris. This week, the Democratic National Convention has seized the global spotlight. Amid these distractions, can a simple columnist like me compete for your attention?

         The answer is yes. This month I learned that God had returned to Earth in human form and had taken up residence in a Trinity (what else?) in South Philadelphia, where He was largely ignored until I emailed Him. I found Him willing— even eager— to grant me an exclusive no-holds-barred interview. The unedited transcript follows.

         Dan: Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel. Holy, holy, holy, surely Thou art holy. Glorificamus te, Benedicimus te, Adoramus te. There is no God but Allah. Who is like unto thee, O God? We bow the head and bend the knee in grateful—

         God: All right, all right— get on with it.

         Dan: I’m just trying to cover all my bases. As you must understand, I’m overwhelmed by this opportunity and a little nervous, too. I mean, last week I wasn’t even sure You existed.

         God: Stop insulting my intelligence. Your humble choir-boy act may impress your liberal pals, but I see through your journalistic gimmicks.

         Dan: Well, I mean, Trump and Musk and all those billionaire bloggers have millions of followers. I have fewer than 1,200. So why are You talking to me and not to them?

         God: You forget— I keep tabs on 8 billion people. So numbers don’t impress me. I’m looking for quality, not quantity. Your column is about the only place where people can conduct an intelligent conversation anymore. And you do it with humor. As the late Chicago Daily News columnist Mike Royko said: Anger wears thin quickly, but humor is always welcome.

         Dan: I’m flattered more than you can imagine.

         God: I can imagine. I know everything, remember? I’m omniscient and omnipotent.

         Dan: Well, how exactly does that work? The Bible says you’re aware of everything, even if it’s just a single sparrow falling to the ground.

         God: A sparrow fell to the ground? Where?

         Dan: Somewhere in Tanzania. I saw it on the Internet a few minutes ago.

         God: I’ve gotta find a better tech consultant. Maybe you should turn off your recorder.

         Dan: OK.

         God: Is it off?

         Dan: Trust me.

Ace Greenberg’s secret

            God: Let me ask you something, Dan. Do you spend a lot of time worrying about Tanzania?

         Dan: No.

         God: Well, neither do I. Let’s face it: No way can I keep track of 8 billion people. I’ve got my hands full just monitoring Tucker Carlson.

         Dan: But if you can’t watch over everybody equally, how can you exert any moral force in the world?

         God: Remember Armand LaGamba, the vice principal of Masterman Junior High when your daughter went there? He had all the kids convinced that he knew and cared where every kid was every minute of the day, so most of them didn’t dare step out of line. And by the time they wised up to his act, they had moved on to high school. That’s kind of the way I function. But please don’t tell anybody.

         Dan: I was thinking more of David Remnick, the editor of The New Yorker. Last week he wrote an exhaustive piece about Israel’s war in Gaza. He interviewed all sorts of Hamas fighters and Israeli officials. He must have spent weeks over there. But he’s also supervising an iconic weekly magazine in New York. How on Earth does he manage it?

         God: Remember Ace Greenberg, who ran Bear Stearns for 30 years? This guy was the head of a major Wall Street investment house. But he was also a champion bridge player, competing in tournaments around the world. He was also a professional magician, performing at weddings and bar mitzvahs. On top of that, he hunted big game in Africa. When asked where he got the time, he replied, “You’d be amazed at how much time you have if you don’t watch TV, go to movies, or chase women.” That’s probably how Remnick manages. Me too, come to think of it.

After the Renaissance

         Dan: Didn’t Bear Stearns go bankrupt? OK, I’m turning the recorder back on. And I’m sure you can guess my next question.

         God: Yes, what is it?

         Dan: I caught Ya! I caught Ya!

         God: What are you talking about?

         Dan: You’re supposed to have foreknowledge of everything, but You didn’t know what question I’d ask.

         God: Oh, for Christ’s sake, of course I knew. That was just a figure of speech, to put you at ease.

         Dan: You really don’t know what I’m going to say, do You?

         God: You’re starting to piss me off royally, you know that?

         Dan: OK, OK. Here’s my question: If you’re omniscient, why is it necessary for everybody to praise you, since you already know what we’re thinking?

         God: Better turn your recorder off again.

         Dan: OK.

         God: I’m telling you this in strictest confidence. I’ve suffered from depression and low self-esteem ever since the Ottoman Turks sacked Constantinople in 1453. See, it was my own damn fault. Until then, everything was going so well. You had the Renaissance, the Reformation, the end of the Hundred Years’ War, Columbus discovering America, Gutenberg inventing moveable type. But I took my eye off the ball for maybe ten minutes, and bam! The whole world went to hell. And it’s never really recovered. My therapist says I’m too hard on myself. But until I’m out of therapy, it doesn’t hurt to have millions of people praising me, even if I know deep down that they’re only doing it because they’re afraid I’ll smite them if they don’t.

God’s favorite religion

         Dan: I’ve turned my recorder back on for another tough question: Of all the world’s religions, which is the true religion?

         God: What makes you think there’s only one true religion?

         Dan: Must be. They all conflict with each other. Jews say the Messiah hasn’t come yet; Christians say he has. Catholics say you can get into Heaven through good works; Protestants say only through faith. Muslims say you can’t work on Friday, Jews say Saturday, Christians say Sunday. Somebody’s lying.

         God: Well, a lot of that stuff is a matter of personal taste. Like those abortion activists and opponents who constantly ask me when life begins. I tell them: Life begins when the kids are out of the house and the dog dies.

         Dan: Can’t you give me a straight answer once and for all?

         God: Religion is just not something I pay much attention to. From where I sit, who cares? It has nothing to do with my job.

         Dan: But the whole concept of monotheism implies that everything in the world is connected, which is the essential definition of morality. That’s what distinguishes us from the ancient Greeks, who believed in multiple gods that had no sense of right or wrong.

         God: Interesting. I never thought of that.

God’s promise to Moses

         Dan: Talking about ancient times, a couple of issues have nagged at me for as long as I can remember.

         God: Fire away.

         Dan: When the Jews were slaves in Egypt, you told Moses that his people would suffer for the next 400 years, but if they kept the faith, thereafter they’d be on Easy Street. How’s that working out for them?

         God: Well, the Jews are still here, which is more than you can say for the Philistines, the Hittites, the Assyrians, the Babylonians, the Persians, or the Nazis. You’ve got to think positively.

         Dan: OK, but a millennium later You sent your son Jesus to tell everyone, “He who believes in me will never die.”

         God: A generous gesture, if I do say so myself.

         Dan: But what about the billions of people who walked the Earth before Jesus came along? Why were they cut out of that deal?

         God: After all I’ve done for humanity, that’s the thanks I get? Talk about the glass being half-empty! I have half a mind to smite you right now. And I would, if you didn’t have such influential readers.

Trump, pro and con

         Dan: Talking about smiting— back in the day, you were always smiting nonbelievers. Did it never occur to you to try friendly persuasion, Quaker-style?

         God: You still don’t get it, do you? I’m looking after 8 billion people, many of them MAGA loonies. I don’t have time for conversation with individuals unless someone really special comes along. Like Donald Trump.

         Dan: You like Trump?

         God: It’s not so much about liking him. When you’re bored out of your mind, as I often am, a cool character like Trump is a breath of fresh air.

         Dan: How so?

         God: I love those funny thumbs-up gestures he makes, and how he deliberately mispronounces people’s names and stiffs his creditors and creates clever labels for his opponents, like “Crooked Hillary,” “Crooked Joe,” and “Lyin’ Kamala.” You gotta love the guy.

         Dan: You don’t think he’s a sociopath?

         God: He went to Wharton! He must be smart.

         Dan: Funny you should mention it. Whenever I attend a Penn reunion, I make it a point to seek out Trump’s 1968 classmates. I’ve yet to find one who remembers him at all, other than one professor who said Trump was the dumbest student he ever had.

         God: He’s a maverick! He plays by his own rules! He’s a self-made billionaire who revolutionized reality TV and tapped into something magical that’s happened in the hearts of this country!

         Dan: Wait a minute— those are the exact words of Trump’s sycophant Stephen Miller when he appeared on CNN six years ago. Surely you know that Trump isn’t self-made, he isn’t a billionaire, he’s gone bankrupt six times, his reality TV show was someone else’s idea, and he lost the popular vote by millions both previous times he ran for president.

         God: You calling Stephen Miller a liar?

         Dan: You know, I just realized I need to pick up some blueberries at Whole Foods before they close.

         God: Whole Foods is open ’til 10.

         Dan: Right. But I also have to fill a prescription at Medical Tower Pharmacy. They close at six.

         God: Look, I can take a hint. So, this interview didn’t live up to your expectations. What did you expect?

         Dan: A Pulitzer Prize, for one thing. With the mush you’ve given me, I’ll be lucky to get six “likes” from my readers.

         God: Talking about your readers, why don’t you charge people to subscribe to your “Contrarian’s Notebook”?

         Dan: I don’t want to feel beholden to anyone. And if I charge money for the column, I might lose my audience.

         God: And I thought I suffered from low self-esteem! You perform a worthwhile service. You incur expenses that shouldn’t come out of your pocket. And you’re unfairly exploiting the Substack platform, which distributes your column free as long as you don’t charge for it. Ask yourself: Is your work worth paying for?

         Dan: I guess you’re right. Effective immediately, anyone who wants to support this column for a few dollars a month can sign up by clicking the blue button below. But I’ll still make it available to everyone, whether they pay or not.

         God: See? You did derive some benefit from this interview. So, sign me up! Of course, I don’t have a checkbook or a PayPal account. Do you accept bitcoin?

Enjoy Dan Rottenberg’s newest book, The Price We Paid: An Oral History of Penn’s Struggle to Join the Ivy League, 1950-55. You can also visit his website at www.danrottenberg.com