Vol. 181: Self-evident truths, updated
19 causes the Founding Fathers overlooked
At this landmark moment in the history of the world’s oldest constitutional democracy, you’re probably wondering what basic principles will sustain America over the next 250 years— you know, all the modern ideas that the Founding Fathers couldn’t possibly have imagined in 1776.
Fortunately, I provided such a list in 1996, in my maiden month as editor of the Philadelphia Forum. These 19 basic tenets are worth repeating here 30 years later— especially since, sad to say, not one of them has yet been enacted.
1. Foster greater respect for the law. Respect for law and order is declining because society suffers from a critical shortage of lawyers. Many drug dealers, gang leaders, prostitutes, racketeers, and embezzlers would become lawyers if only the pay were better. Federal subsidies may be necessary.
2. Encourage understanding between suburbanites and city dwellers. Instead of focusing on our differences, let’s emphasize our similarities for the greater good. Just because suburbanites live in big houses surrounded by grass and trees while millions starve, is that any reason to pick on them? Because they pollute the air with their cars and consume disproportionate amounts of land, water, gas, and electricity, is that any reason to resent them? Just because they’re smug parasites who gobble up millions of acres of farmland to make room for cul-de-sacs and barbecue pits and family rooms and four-car garages and strip malls and tacky fast-food franchises at every intersection while the rest of society burns, is that any reason to hate their goddamn guts?
3. Capital punishment for the underprivileged. One of the few functions that government performs effectively nowadays is the prosecution and execution of illiterate or retarded defendants who can’t afford their own lawyers. In an age of limited tax resources, let’s concentrate our public funds on services the government really does well.
4. Foster lasting peace between Hungarians and Puerto Ricans. These two proud and ancient peoples have quarreled for so long that they’ve forgotten their original grievances. A new generation of farsighted leaders on both sides must stand up and say: Enough hatred. Enough killing. Never again!
5. Crack down on smut in cyberspace. The Forum’s editorial board is disturbed by the prospect of Americans watching unrestricted sex and violence in the privacy of their homes. But we enjoy watching it ourselves. A nationwide closed-circuit system, providing some sort of exemption for journalists and other morally superior people, may be necessary.
6. Build the Ludlow Street Expressway now! This vital transportation project— the last unfinished piece of the great superhighway linking Haddonfield with Cheyenne, and the linchpin of Mayor Rendell’s economic recovery plan— has been stalled for years by a small cabal of selfish real estate interests— specifically, the owners of those outdated relics of a bygone era, Liberty Place and the Ritz-Carlton Hotel. An aroused citizenry must ask these obstructionists: Which comes first— civic progress or private profit?
Deport all Protestants?
7. Save the Society Hill Rite Aid. Despite its landmark status, this venerable 18-year-old faux fin-de-siècle structure where Larry Kane once filled a prescription for suppositories faces imminent demolition by greedy developers, who plan to replace it with yet another tiresome Georgian mansion and carriage house. An aroused citizenry must prevent this atrocity, with their bodies if necessary.
8. Support the right to bare arms. Must we now have laws dictating even our clothing styles? Especially on hot days, the individual’s right to dress comfortably must take precedence over the sensibilities of a few random prudes.
9. Impose spending limits on the rich. Such legislation wouldn’t eliminate the growing gulf between the haves and the have-nots, but it would remove much of the resentment.
10. Keep conundrums out of the public schools. Adolescence is difficult enough without exposing young people to enigmas— at taxpayer expense, to boot— at precisely the time when their hormones are exploding. The decision to use conundrums is an individual matter best left to families and the private sector.
11. Persuasion, not legislation, is the best answer to America’s epidemic of aberrations on demand. Reasonable people on both sides of this issue recognize a woman’s inalienable right to an aberration. But why on earth would she want one?
12. Deport all Protestants. What are they always protesting about, anyway? If they don’t like it here, why don’t they go back where they came from?
Pompous patricians
13. Arlen Spector for President. Look at it this way: Once he’s spent eight years in the White House, we’ll never have to deal with him again.
14. Vincent Fumo for U.S. ambassador to Bosnia. Few other public officials possess the sure grasp of the subtleties of power politics required for this sensitive diplomatic position. Such an appointment would of course represent a loss to the Greater Philadelphia region and to the state. But the larger cause of world peace demands this sacrifice from Pennsylvanians.
15. Require all Philadelphians to wear uniforms. If it makes policemen and schoolchildren behave themselves, wouldn’t it work for the rest of us?
16. Bring back pompous patricians. Changing socioeconomic patterns have largely eliminated the sort of aristocrats who used to be seen throughout Center City wearing Savile Row suits, sipping fish-house punch, and uttering comments like, “My good man, do you have change for $100?” or “Out of the way, peasant!” Federal subsidies may be necessary to restore this necessary balance to our urban population.
17. Bring back colorful street characters. The aforementioned socioeconomic patterns have also removed from the streets and park benches an entire class of people who once enlivened Center City’s public discourse with observations like “They aren’t fit to polish my shoes!” or “I’ve been to Europe, and I just don’t give a damn!” Again, federal subsidies may be the only appropriate response.
Free movies for journalists
18. Preserve the Inquirer and Daily News by protecting them under the federal Failing Newspapers Act. If they qualified, such protection would exempt both papers from antitrust laws, thereby enabling them to share advertising, business, printing, and corporate functions while continuing to operate separate editorial departments. This economic advantage would discourage predatory competition and thus guarantee Philadelphia two vigorous independent daily voices in an age when most U.S. cities are served by only… on second thought, forget it.
19. Provide free movie passes for journalists and their families. No direct or indirect public benefit would result from distributing these passes. But we want them anyway.
Enjoy Dan Rottenberg’s newest book, The Price We Paid: An Oral History of Penn’s Struggle to Join the Ivy League, 1950-55. You can also visit his website at www.danrottenberg.com