Vol. 164: Iran’s next supreme leader?

So many exciting choices!

The challenge: President Trump insists that he should be involved in choosing Iran’s next supreme leader. But whom should he choose? On March 1, Trump told the New York Times that he had three candidates in mind. But later he told ABC News that he believed all three had been killed in U.S. and Israeli airstrikes.

The solution: Cast a wider net. The following candidates aren’t perfect— who is?— but all are available and acceptable to Trump. Let us consider the pros and cons of each.

Mojtaba Khameni. Pros: Son of Iranian supreme leader recently killed by Israeli bombs. Excellent name recognition. Clerics’ choice, as of this week. Cons: Trump wasn’t consulted. Lacks MAGA credentials. Surname may be resented by fellow Iranians brutalized by his father.

Reza Pahlavi. Pros: Eldest son of last Shah of Iran. Has lived in exile in U.S. since the 1979 Iranian Revolution. Advocates secular democracy for Iran. Cons: Mention of “secular democracy” could trigger Trump allergy attack, possibly fatal.

Mohammed bin Salman. Pros: Saudi crown prince and de facto chief. Muslim authoritarian-cum-liberal social reformer with designs on Iran. Tight with Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner. Cons: Oversensitive to critics, whom he systematically imprisons, tortures, executes, and chops up into small pieces.

Benjamin Netanyahu. Pros: Experienced Israeli leader eager to disentangle himself from bribery, fraud, and genocide charges. Attended Philadelphia’s suburban Cheltenham High School. Father was noted historian and medievalist. Brother Yonatan was hero of 1976 Entebbe rescue. Cons: It’s all been downhill since Cheltenham.

Kristi Noem. Pros: Good-looking bimbo, currently between jobs. Cons: Shot and killed her dog after concluding he was “untrainable.” Spent $220 million on ad campaign promoting herself without mentioning Trump.

Elon Musk. Pros: Rich man with short attention span, seeking new challenge. Gave $252 million to Trump’s 2024 campaign. Cleaned up Washington last year in just six months. Cons: Unreliable Trump ally. Has fathered 14 children with four women. Knows even less about the Middle East than Kristi Noem.

JD Vance. Pros: Faithful lapdog to president. Wrote a book without hiring a ghostwriter. Wife Usha is first Indian-American second lady. Cons: Who would replace him— House Speaker Mike Johnson?

Pam Bondi. Pros: Good-looking bimbo, currently seeking to extricate herself from mountains of Epstein emails which she once claimed didn’t exist. Cons: Millions of emails still exist.

Jared Kushner. Pros: Trump’s son-in-law. Tight with Saudis. Flexible work schedule. Cons: Disaster as investor. Or at anything he attempted without his father or father-in-law. Ruined the New York Observer.

Jeffrey Epstein. Pros: Math whiz with charismatic personality. Proven fundraiser with extensive ties in business, politics, and philanthropy. Longtime Trump chum. Cons: Dead, but still refuses to go away.

Joe Biden: Pros: Veteran Washington hand. Knows more heads of state than anybody. Currently serving as reliable Trump punching bag. Cons: 83 years old. Diagnosed with prostate cancer. Prefers Wilmington to Tehran.

Vladimir Putin: Pros: Experienced Russian dictator eager to expand his empire. Loves Trump and vice versa. Cons: 73 years old. Current job term won’t expire until 2036. Doesn’t speak a word of Farsi.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Pros: President of Ukraine throughout Russian invasion that began in February 2022. Became inspiring global symbol of resistance. Previously produced and starred in TV comedy series. Now providing drone expertise for U.S. and Israel to use in Iran. Cons: Praise for Trump low on his priority list.

Nicolas Maduro. Pros: Former Venezuelan dictator with 13 years’ experience, currently between jobs. Cons: Faces federal drug trafficking charges (but could be pardoned).

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. Pros: Rare combination: Comfortable in palaces but hasn’t yet tasted power. Available on a moment’s notice. Cons: No first lady. Although stripped of titles, still eighth in line for British throne.

Larry Summers. Pros: World’s smartest man, currently unemployed. U.S. Treasury secretary under Clinton. Director of National Economic Council under Obama. Former president of Harvard. Cons: Seems unable to hold a job for sustained period. In Trump world, he’s only the second smartest man.

Tucker Carlson: Pros: High-visibility preppy influencer with dynamite ratings. Cons: Loose cannon. Even Fox News fired him.

Pete Hegseth: Pros: Masterminded current U.S. bombardment of Iran. Has a degree from Princeton. Cons: Masterminded current U.S. bombardment of Iran. Has a degree from Princeton.

Donald Trump. Pros: Experienced but unpopular U.S. president seeking face-saving refuge from assorted scandals, mid-term election fights, likely impeachment. Trump loves him and vice-versa. In previous career, played a successful business executive on TV. Would be ideal fit for Iran, which has few golf courses and would welcome his expertise. Cons: Convicted felon. Went bankrupt six times. Iran lacks Burger King or McDonald’s franchises, so he’d be unlikely to remain long.

Enjoy Dan Rottenberg’s new memoir, The Education of a Journalist: My Seventy Years on the Frontiers of Free Speech. You can also visit his website at www.danrottenberg.com