The New York Times op-ed columnist Nichols Kristof spent decades circling the globe to dramatize the horrors of war, poverty, famine, disease, injustice, and human cruelty. Throughout that time, Kristof exemplified the best of a genre I call “the journalist as social worker”— someone who seeks through his writing to repair the ills of the world. As I suggested in my own recent memoir, journalism for me has become simply a matter of seeking truth, communicating what you find, and planting the seeds of ideas, with no certainty as to what fruit (if any) will blossom: “It’s a process that implies a fundamental faith in humanity— the confidence that sooner or later someone exposed to my words will apply them in some beneficial form that may not even have occurred to me.”
Unfortunately, after 37 years of planting seeds— during which time he won two Pulitzer Prizes and many other celebrated awards— Kristof tired of waiting for his words to bear fruit. The meager tools at a journalist’s disposal, he despaired, were insufficient to repair the ills of the world. “I’ve reluctantly concluded that I should try not only to expose problems but also see if I can fix them directly,” he explained.
And so, in October 2021, amid much fanfare on the Times op-ed page, Kristof resigned from the Times to devote his remaining years to making the world a better place by…..
Running for governor of Oregon?
Yes, this accomplished journalist joined a growing group of arrogant egotists who believe themselves qualified to hold public office despite their utter lack of government experience. This crowd lately includes the TV celebrity doctor Mehmet Oz, the former pro football running back Herschel Walker, the author and investment banker J.D. Vance, the TV news anchor Kari Lake, and of course Donald Trump.
Laurie Colwin’s doctor
“A professional politician can't make the changes we need to deliver for America,” declares an email I receive daily from Vivek Ramaswamy, an entrepreneur currently running for President. “We need an outsider with the courage to GUT the managerial bureaucracy that has grown so toxic and corrupt that it undermines American values. Fellow American, I am that outsider.”
What is it about people with no political experience that makes them think they can do a better job than politicians? Why do so many candidates like to boast that “I’m not a politician”? Would you hire a lawyer who bragged, “I’m not an attorney”? Would you patronize a restaurant whose chef boasted, “I’m not a cook”?
Some years ago, in the course of a routine medical exam, the late novelist Laurie Colwin’s physician asked what she did for a living. When she told him she was an author, the doctor replied enthusiastically, “Really! I’ve been thinking of writing a book myself!”
“That’s nice,” Colwyn replied. “I’ve been thinking of performing brain surgery.”
I mean, all any job requires is a little basic common sense, right?
Jeff Brown’s delusion
The current gaggle of eight leading would-be mayors in Philadelphia’s Democratic primary includes four former City Council members, one former city controller, one former judge, one state representative… and Jeff Brown, a second-generation grocer who possesses no government experience whatsoever. Brown sounds like a decent, intelligent fellow as well as a capable business manager with some innovative ideas (among other things, his chain offers employment opportunities to ex-convicts). But if I told Brown that I’ve decided to give up journalism to become a grocer, I suspect he would warn me that running a food market involves hundreds of niggling details that can’t be learned overnight. So, what makes Brown think he can learn the niggling details of government overnight? And why would he want to expose his ignorance so publicly? Did his parents fail to pay enough attention to him as a child?
OK, OK. You are wondering what happened to Nicholas Kristof after he magnanimously quit the Times to offer himself as a savior to the oppressed people of Oregon? Mr. Smith Goes to Washington it wasn’t.
In January 2022— three months after Kristof launched his Quixotic quest— the Oregon Secretary of State announced that Kristof was ineligible to run for governor, since he hadn’t met the state's residency requirements. (Those doggone niggling details, again.) Kristof challenged the decision in court, and six weeks later, the Oregon Supreme Court upheld the Secretary of State's ruling. Since November, Kristof has been back at the Times, doing what he should have been doing all along (and presumably leaving the minutiae of Oregon residency requirements to his paper’s political beat reporters).
The Vatican beckons
Which brings me to my important personal announcement.
Pope Francis was recently hospitalized with bronchitis. At the age of 86, he lacks the stamina to grapple with the priestly sexual abuse scandals that have plagued his Church for decades. The professional cardinals and bishops surrounding him— all part and parcel of the Church’s toxic managerial bureaucracy— are wedded to the status quo. Clearly, the Vatican needs a new Pope— an outsider who won’t hesitate to shake up the place. I am that outsider.
I know what you’re thinking: I’m clueless about Catholicism. I ‘m not even a Catholic. But 90% of a Pope’s job is just plain common sense. As for the other 10%— the religious stuff— the cardinals and bishops can handle that. And since I’m beholden to no one in Rome, I can hire good people to fill those jobs while I focus on the big picture.
Believe me, ego has nothing to do with my decision. Life has been good to me, so now it’s time for me to give something back, by running for Pope. The failed policies of the past 2,000 years can’t be fixed by an insider. How could an outsider like me do any worse?
You're absolutely right, Dan, about the "other 10%." When folks in my Massachusetts shul were urging me to fill the vacancy left by our departing rabbi, I was concerned that I didn't "know enough" to do the job. Their response? "You have all the leadership skills the position requires. What you don't know can easily be found in a book., of which there are many." Please pursue this goal so that history can record one family with both a Pope and a Rabbi!
Enjoyable column.